visit sprout ideas to make your own
January: Weekly pictures (because January has 6 weeks)
February: Some random jokes for ya'll
(Any highlighted jokes are written by me)
1st: How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
2nd: Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?” Student: "My father's check book!”
3rd: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Emp ire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
4th: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
5th: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
6th: Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!”
7th: Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. :
8th: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? She couldn't find the "10" button.
9th: My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
10th: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
11th: Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!”
12th: Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus. Knock knock. Not Jimmy.
13th: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, if they're small enough.
14th: What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
15th: Chris Christie's love life.
16th: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? Because Donald Ducked... and he's a jerk.
17th: Did you hear about the Viagra theft? They say the police are looking for some hardened criminals.
18th: Why is 77 better than 69? Because you get 8 more.
19th: What is 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period.
20th: What comes after 69? Mouth wash.
21st: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, @#!*% off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
22nd: A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."
23rd: Why did the mirror have holes in it? A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
24th: A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She answers, "Warming up your dinner."
25th: A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
26th: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley.
27th: A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."
28th: Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
1st: How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
2nd: Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?” Student: "My father's check book!”
3rd: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Emp ire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
4th: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
5th: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
6th: Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!”
7th: Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. :
8th: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? She couldn't find the "10" button.
9th: My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
10th: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
11th: Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!”
12th: Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus. Knock knock. Not Jimmy.
13th: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, if they're small enough.
14th: What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
15th: Chris Christie's love life.
16th: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? Because Donald Ducked... and he's a jerk.
17th: Did you hear about the Viagra theft? They say the police are looking for some hardened criminals.
18th: Why is 77 better than 69? Because you get 8 more.
19th: What is 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period.
20th: What comes after 69? Mouth wash.
21st: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, @#!*% off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
22nd: A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."
23rd: Why did the mirror have holes in it? A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
24th: A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She answers, "Warming up your dinner."
25th: A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
26th: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley.
27th: A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."
28th: Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
March: Drugs and alcohol jokes
1st: I did so much crack, one day I broke into my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. FInally, I said, "@#!*%, this brother will never come home!"
2nd: What do you call jack frost doing meth? Jack frosted.
3rd: What do you call a birthday surprise laced with weed? A Caked surprise.
4th: What do you call an optimistic guy just starting shrooms, standing in between life and death? Half Half HAlf Half there.
5th: What do you call a Livingston townsmen smoking a joint? A Livingstoner.
6th: What do you call a very sophisticated gentleman getting higher than a helium balloon on mount Everest? College.
7th: A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
8th: A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
9th: Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
10th: Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? Cause it made him mean.
11th: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...So I got drunk.
12th: We never knew he was drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
13th: The speed of light is when you take one bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
14th: Jane can't seem to find herself the right guy. She doesn't like drunken guys. And all the sober one's can't stand her.
15th: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? He was a quackhead.
16th: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards? Sell them on Ebay to buy cocaine!
17th: What happened after the Mexican government eliminated jail time for drug possession? For the first time in history Mexico is worried about illegal immigration from the US!
18th: Technically, I'm UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance. UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance.
19th: Marijuana is too fancy for me... I do love Bong, though.
20th: If I drank as much as I smoked weed, I'd be dead.
21st: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!
22nd: How do sharks get high? Reefer
23rd: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
24th: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone? Al-cohol you
25th: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? The Holy Spirit!
26th: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”
27th: Two girls were comparing boyfriends. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!" "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
28th: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.
29th: A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
30th: You know you're high when you go to spit out the car window, only you forget to turn your head and spit all over the dashboard.
31st: You know you're high when you can't remember who was high.... you or the mirror.
2nd: What do you call jack frost doing meth? Jack frosted.
3rd: What do you call a birthday surprise laced with weed? A Caked surprise.
4th: What do you call an optimistic guy just starting shrooms, standing in between life and death? Half Half HAlf Half there.
5th: What do you call a Livingston townsmen smoking a joint? A Livingstoner.
6th: What do you call a very sophisticated gentleman getting higher than a helium balloon on mount Everest? College.
7th: A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
8th: A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
9th: Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
10th: Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? Cause it made him mean.
11th: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...So I got drunk.
12th: We never knew he was drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
13th: The speed of light is when you take one bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
14th: Jane can't seem to find herself the right guy. She doesn't like drunken guys. And all the sober one's can't stand her.
15th: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? He was a quackhead.
16th: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards? Sell them on Ebay to buy cocaine!
17th: What happened after the Mexican government eliminated jail time for drug possession? For the first time in history Mexico is worried about illegal immigration from the US!
18th: Technically, I'm UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance. UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance.
19th: Marijuana is too fancy for me... I do love Bong, though.
20th: If I drank as much as I smoked weed, I'd be dead.
21st: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!
22nd: How do sharks get high? Reefer
23rd: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
24th: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone? Al-cohol you
25th: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? The Holy Spirit!
26th: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”
27th: Two girls were comparing boyfriends. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!" "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
28th: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.
29th: A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
30th: You know you're high when you go to spit out the car window, only you forget to turn your head and spit all over the dashboard.
31st: You know you're high when you can't remember who was high.... you or the mirror.
April: Mommy, Mommy jokes (no weekends)
1st: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up. You only get it once a month!
2nd: Mommy, Mommy! Grandma has a bruise!
Eat around it.
3rd: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like walking in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other hand to the ground.
6th: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how you make gingerbread cookies?
Shut up and close the oven door behind you.
7th: Mommy, Mommy! How come you never flush the toilet?
Shut up and eat your chocolate cake.
8th: Mommy, Mommy! Where did all of your scabs go?
Shut up and eat your corn flakes.
9th: Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well, put some fire wood on him.
10th: Mommy, Mommy! The fish are dead!
Now you know not to attach your grandmother's sovirax to the end of the pole.
13th: Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts!
Fine, I'll eat them.
14th: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to grandma's ashes?
Shut up and throw away that empty canister of baby powder.
15th: Mommy, Mommy! What's Oedipus Complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
16th: Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
I'm glad it's working.
17th: Mommy, Mommy! Where'd you get that gun from?
20th: Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll cut your other leg off!
21st: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want a baby sister!
Shut up and poke holes in those condoms!
22nd: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging!
23rd: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Save the bigger chunks for your me.
24th: Mommy, Mommy! What's Oral sex?
Mmmmhmhmmm mmhmmhmhmhmm!
27th: Mommy Mommy! Look, It's Santa!
Don't wake him! I haven't even gotten the lighter yet!
28th: Mommy Mommy! It's raining!
Shut up and take your electric toothbrush back.
29th: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we at the hospital?
Shut up and keep eating your red ink.
30th: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
You know you have cancer.
Shut up. You only get it once a month!
2nd: Mommy, Mommy! Grandma has a bruise!
Eat around it.
3rd: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like walking in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other hand to the ground.
6th: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how you make gingerbread cookies?
Shut up and close the oven door behind you.
7th: Mommy, Mommy! How come you never flush the toilet?
Shut up and eat your chocolate cake.
8th: Mommy, Mommy! Where did all of your scabs go?
Shut up and eat your corn flakes.
9th: Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well, put some fire wood on him.
10th: Mommy, Mommy! The fish are dead!
Now you know not to attach your grandmother's sovirax to the end of the pole.
13th: Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts!
Fine, I'll eat them.
14th: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to grandma's ashes?
Shut up and throw away that empty canister of baby powder.
15th: Mommy, Mommy! What's Oedipus Complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
16th: Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
I'm glad it's working.
17th: Mommy, Mommy! Where'd you get that gun from?
20th: Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll cut your other leg off!
21st: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want a baby sister!
Shut up and poke holes in those condoms!
22nd: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging!
23rd: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Save the bigger chunks for your me.
24th: Mommy, Mommy! What's Oral sex?
Mmmmhmhmmm mmhmmhmhmhmm!
27th: Mommy Mommy! Look, It's Santa!
Don't wake him! I haven't even gotten the lighter yet!
28th: Mommy Mommy! It's raining!
Shut up and take your electric toothbrush back.
29th: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we at the hospital?
Shut up and keep eating your red ink.
30th: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
You know you have cancer.
May: Random Jokes (no weekends)
1st: A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the @#!*% not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
4th: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer? Hairy Reasoner.
5th: A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
6th: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised? Her husband was a blonde, too.
7th: What's a native of Paris called? A parasite.
8th: What's a geek's booty call? 01101100110100010110011011.
11th: Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
12th: Where does a bee pee? At the BP station.
13th: Why did the Canadian cross the road?He saw some American do it on TV.
14th: How do you sink a Polish ship? Put it in water.
15th: A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg."Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
18th: Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
19th: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.
20th: A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
21st: LIGHT READING:
1. The Italian Book Of War Heroes
2. The Norwegian Book Of Cookery
3. The Scottish Book Of Knowledge
22nd: A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
25th: Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.
''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''
And the Mother said, '' @#!*% that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
26th: Can I marinate in your juices?
27th: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.
28th: I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
29th: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A racing's lunatic.
30th: What do you get if cross LSD with birth control? A trip without the kids.
31st: Why did the man put condoms in his ears during sex? He didn't want to get hearing aids.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the @#!*% not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
4th: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer? Hairy Reasoner.
5th: A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
6th: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised? Her husband was a blonde, too.
7th: What's a native of Paris called? A parasite.
8th: What's a geek's booty call? 01101100110100010110011011.
11th: Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
12th: Where does a bee pee? At the BP station.
13th: Why did the Canadian cross the road?He saw some American do it on TV.
14th: How do you sink a Polish ship? Put it in water.
15th: A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg."Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
18th: Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
19th: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.
20th: A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
21st: LIGHT READING:
1. The Italian Book Of War Heroes
2. The Norwegian Book Of Cookery
3. The Scottish Book Of Knowledge
22nd: A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
25th: Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.
''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''
And the Mother said, '' @#!*% that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
26th: Can I marinate in your juices?
27th: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.
28th: I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
29th: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A racing's lunatic.
30th: What do you get if cross LSD with birth control? A trip without the kids.
31st: Why did the man put condoms in his ears during sex? He didn't want to get hearing aids.
June: Religious Jokes (no weekends)
1st: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
2nd: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed? Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.
3rd: A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
4th: One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
5th: A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
8th: What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
9th: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
10th: What's the definition of a queer Jew? A: Someone that likes girls more than money.
11th: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
12th: Why don't people mug Jews on Yom Kippur? Day fast.
15th: Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."
16th: A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
17th: Science flies you into the moon, religion flies you into skyscrapers
18th: A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
19th: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
22nd: There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
23rd: After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."
24th: The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?" I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply, "Wow."
25th: When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."
26th: I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
29th: When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
30th: Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says why don't you root beer float your way out of here?
2nd: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed? Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.
3rd: A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
4th: One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
5th: A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
8th: What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
9th: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
10th: What's the definition of a queer Jew? A: Someone that likes girls more than money.
11th: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
12th: Why don't people mug Jews on Yom Kippur? Day fast.
15th: Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."
16th: A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
17th: Science flies you into the moon, religion flies you into skyscrapers
18th: A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
19th: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
22nd: There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
23rd: After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."
24th: The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?" I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply, "Wow."
25th: When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."
26th: I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
29th: When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
30th: Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says why don't you root beer float your way out of here?
July: Random jokes
1st: Why did the driver put a stove in his car? To make a hot rod.
2nd: He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
3rd: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
4th: You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships -- especially that girlfriend that ain't got nobody.
5th: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
6th: What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL? Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
7th: Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''
8th: This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are p***y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
9th: Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
10th: Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."
11th: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.
12th: Caveman booty call: If I said you had a pronounced sloping brow, would you hold it against me?
13th: I'm not drunk -- you intoxicate me.
14th: There are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like to add another?
15th: A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."
16th: Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest d**k.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their d**ks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"
17th: Why'd the robber take a bath?A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
18th: December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of @#!*% joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the @#!*% am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their @#!*% cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey @#!*% :
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those @#!*% ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of @#!*% . The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen @#!*% :
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
19th: A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.
The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"
20th: Can you help me achieve a coronal mass ejection?
21st: Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
22nd: An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality."If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
23rd: What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave.
24th: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? Stick his bill up his @#!*% .
25th: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
26th: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? They both hope to be human someday.
27th: A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.
"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
"To your house."
28th: What happens when lawyers take Viagra? They grow taller.
29th: Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
30th: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
31st: A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
2nd: He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
3rd: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
4th: You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships -- especially that girlfriend that ain't got nobody.
5th: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
6th: What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL? Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
7th: Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''
8th: This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are p***y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
9th: Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
10th: Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."
11th: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.
12th: Caveman booty call: If I said you had a pronounced sloping brow, would you hold it against me?
13th: I'm not drunk -- you intoxicate me.
14th: There are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like to add another?
15th: A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."
16th: Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest d**k.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their d**ks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"
17th: Why'd the robber take a bath?A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
18th: December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of @#!*% joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the @#!*% am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their @#!*% cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey @#!*% :
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those @#!*% ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of @#!*% . The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen @#!*% :
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
19th: A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.
The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"
20th: Can you help me achieve a coronal mass ejection?
21st: Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
22nd: An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality."If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
23rd: What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave.
24th: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? Stick his bill up his @#!*% .
25th: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
26th: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? They both hope to be human someday.
27th: A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.
"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
"To your house."
28th: What happens when lawyers take Viagra? They grow taller.
29th: Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
30th: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
31st: A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
August: One-Liners
1st: Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
2nd: A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a @#!*% .
3rd: Support Cannibalism -- Eat Me!
4th: A robber came into my house, took all of my things, and replaced them with exact replicas.
5th: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
6th: Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
7th: Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.
8th: They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead. Good.
9th: I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
10th: Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.
11th: Advise is Cheap, because supply always exceeds demand.
12th: I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone was standing around it singing "Happy Birthday"
13th: People don't judge your generosity by the amount of Advise you give away.
14th: I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end.
15th: Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
16th: asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17th:Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
18th: War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
19th: If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
20th: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
21st: I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22nd: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
23rd: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
24th: Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
25th: I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
26th: I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
27th: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
28th: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
29th: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
30th: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
31st: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
2nd: A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a @#!*% .
3rd: Support Cannibalism -- Eat Me!
4th: A robber came into my house, took all of my things, and replaced them with exact replicas.
5th: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
6th: Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
7th: Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.
8th: They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead. Good.
9th: I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
10th: Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.
11th: Advise is Cheap, because supply always exceeds demand.
12th: I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone was standing around it singing "Happy Birthday"
13th: People don't judge your generosity by the amount of Advise you give away.
14th: I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end.
15th: Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
16th: asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17th:Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
18th: War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
19th: If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
20th: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
21st: I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22nd: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
23rd: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
24th: Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
25th: I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
26th: I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
27th: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
28th: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
29th: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
30th: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
31st: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
September: "in bed" jokes (add "in bed" to the end of each song title)
Song of the month: "Loica" by Derrok
1st: Dog Eat Dog
2nd: Glory Days
3rd: Desire in bed
4th: Dude looks like a lady
5th: Paradise in bed
6th: Transgender Dysphoria Blues
7th: Down In A Hole
8th: Whipping Post
9th: Archie, Marry Me
10th: Adult Diversion
11th: Don't Cross The River
12th: Help!
13th: Crash About To Happen
14th: 0 to 100
15th: Quack like a duck
16th: Every Night My Teeth Are Falling Out
17th: My Body Is A Cage
18th: Love is a battle field
19th: Dancing in the dark
20th: Safety dance
21st: Some kind of wonderful
22nd: Cruising
23rd: Mean
24th: Will the real Slim Shady Please stand up?
25th: Eat Poop
26th: Rack City
27th: Latino and Proud
28th: Nicotine
29th: Rock Around the Clock
30th: I'm Bad
2nd: Glory Days
3rd: Desire in bed
4th: Dude looks like a lady
5th: Paradise in bed
6th: Transgender Dysphoria Blues
7th: Down In A Hole
8th: Whipping Post
9th: Archie, Marry Me
10th: Adult Diversion
11th: Don't Cross The River
12th: Help!
13th: Crash About To Happen
14th: 0 to 100
15th: Quack like a duck
16th: Every Night My Teeth Are Falling Out
17th: My Body Is A Cage
18th: Love is a battle field
19th: Dancing in the dark
20th: Safety dance
21st: Some kind of wonderful
22nd: Cruising
23rd: Mean
24th: Will the real Slim Shady Please stand up?
25th: Eat Poop
26th: Rack City
27th: Latino and Proud
28th: Nicotine
29th: Rock Around the Clock
30th: I'm Bad
October: jokes about poor people (all written by me)
1st: People from South Carolina don't give hand jobs, they cut the middle man out and give AIDS.
2nd: Instead of White on Black Violence, we should have black on black violence and let the criminals attack each other.
3rd: Since Kim Jong Un is poor he convinced his people that their dick size is worth money. Needless to say, they're still poor.
4th: A poor man's trash is a rich man's inspiration to recycle cocaine byproduct.
5th: Neaderthals are the poor people of modern hominids. Republicans are the poor people of knowing true things.
6th: If Donald Trump is poor, then Wiz Kalifa is a good singer.
7th: Paula Deen is rich in constipation, like how Women's basketball players are rich in wanting to punt the ball.
8th: Soup Kitchens should really be called rich people's funding's urine kitchens.
9th: When I see a poor person, I stop to think why ObamaCare isn't helping them. Then I put down the mirror and remember that I'd rather die of starvation, than betray the Republican party.
10th: I was going to see the The Maze Runner: Scorch Trials, but I couldn't afford it, so I saw The SPF: Light Tan Trials.
11th: I was going to buy some scotch, but I didn't have enough money, so I bought scrotch.
12th: You know you're poor when you're checking your hands to see if they're fresh enough to use.
13th: North Koreans are poor in sex. For them, third base is making eye contact.
14th: You know you're poor when porn is watching yourself dip a straw into a used coffee cup.
15th: You know you're poor when you can't tell the difference between your hands and that rag you call a shirt.
16th: Getting a job is tough because when the interviewer notices your resume is just a pair of underwear, you won't have any place to put your stool when he yells at you.
17th: You know it's time to visit a manicure when you pass people and you here, "hey, cool scissors!"
18th: Homeless don't care about saving the trees, they care about the trees growing under their toenails.
19th: Where are homeless kids supposed to do their homework?
20th: Netflix is the only good way to rent TV shows. HBO literally stands for Hobo.
21st: You know you're homeless when you can't tell the difference between your gonorrhea and your dinner; they're the same.
22nd: The Lower Class uses ObamaCare. The Homeless use TrumpCare (P.S. he doesn't).
23rd: I wanted to eat a chicken McNugget, but I couldn't afford it, so I had a chicken McNugget instead, because nothing has a lower value than a Chicken McNugget.
24th: Rich People eat sandwiches. Poor People eat sand.
25th: Poor people coined the term "Halloween" because they're hollow, slowly weaning away, and possessed by the devil.
26th: Lower Class people can't afford to update their iphone every month. Homeless people can't afford.
27th: Yo Momma so poor that even her organs are looking for work.
28th: Upper Class people print on newspaper. Middle Class people paint on newspaper. Lower Class people eat newspaper. Homeless people are newspaper.
29th: Donald Trump lacks enough emotion to care about people like how poor people lack Donald Trump.
30th: Halloween is like Free Black Friday for homeless people.
31st: Rich people get high off Crystal Meth, Poor people get high off raccoon fesses; Raccoons love digging through Rich people's garbage.
2nd: Instead of White on Black Violence, we should have black on black violence and let the criminals attack each other.
3rd: Since Kim Jong Un is poor he convinced his people that their dick size is worth money. Needless to say, they're still poor.
4th: A poor man's trash is a rich man's inspiration to recycle cocaine byproduct.
5th: Neaderthals are the poor people of modern hominids. Republicans are the poor people of knowing true things.
6th: If Donald Trump is poor, then Wiz Kalifa is a good singer.
7th: Paula Deen is rich in constipation, like how Women's basketball players are rich in wanting to punt the ball.
8th: Soup Kitchens should really be called rich people's funding's urine kitchens.
9th: When I see a poor person, I stop to think why ObamaCare isn't helping them. Then I put down the mirror and remember that I'd rather die of starvation, than betray the Republican party.
10th: I was going to see the The Maze Runner: Scorch Trials, but I couldn't afford it, so I saw The SPF: Light Tan Trials.
11th: I was going to buy some scotch, but I didn't have enough money, so I bought scrotch.
12th: You know you're poor when you're checking your hands to see if they're fresh enough to use.
13th: North Koreans are poor in sex. For them, third base is making eye contact.
14th: You know you're poor when porn is watching yourself dip a straw into a used coffee cup.
15th: You know you're poor when you can't tell the difference between your hands and that rag you call a shirt.
16th: Getting a job is tough because when the interviewer notices your resume is just a pair of underwear, you won't have any place to put your stool when he yells at you.
17th: You know it's time to visit a manicure when you pass people and you here, "hey, cool scissors!"
18th: Homeless don't care about saving the trees, they care about the trees growing under their toenails.
19th: Where are homeless kids supposed to do their homework?
20th: Netflix is the only good way to rent TV shows. HBO literally stands for Hobo.
21st: You know you're homeless when you can't tell the difference between your gonorrhea and your dinner; they're the same.
22nd: The Lower Class uses ObamaCare. The Homeless use TrumpCare (P.S. he doesn't).
23rd: I wanted to eat a chicken McNugget, but I couldn't afford it, so I had a chicken McNugget instead, because nothing has a lower value than a Chicken McNugget.
24th: Rich People eat sandwiches. Poor People eat sand.
25th: Poor people coined the term "Halloween" because they're hollow, slowly weaning away, and possessed by the devil.
26th: Lower Class people can't afford to update their iphone every month. Homeless people can't afford.
27th: Yo Momma so poor that even her organs are looking for work.
28th: Upper Class people print on newspaper. Middle Class people paint on newspaper. Lower Class people eat newspaper. Homeless people are newspaper.
29th: Donald Trump lacks enough emotion to care about people like how poor people lack Donald Trump.
30th: Halloween is like Free Black Friday for homeless people.
31st: Rich people get high off Crystal Meth, Poor people get high off raccoon fesses; Raccoons love digging through Rich people's garbage.
November: Random jokes
1st: Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
2nd: Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
3rd: Haven't I seen that ironic t-shirt somewhere before?
4th: Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.
5th: It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down -- I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.
6th: Flip-flops were strolling the beach together. One turns to the other and says, "Let's have sex." The other says, "You're way too floppy to ever make love to." The first, feeling offended says, "Well at least I'm not sticking straight up in the air every step."
7th: One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.
So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.
The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!
8th: What did one flea say to the other flea? "Shall we walk or take a dog?"
9th: What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? Homeless.
10th: So Donald Trump and a Mexican walk along the border together, enough said. (courtesy of swagmaster)
11th: What do you call a fly in a blonde's brain? A space invader.
12th: What TV makes the 4th Matter? Plasma Vision ('cause plasma is the 4th state of matter)
13th: What's a recipe for trends?
14th: What's so bad about sleeping with my Daddy? You're the bottom b*tch.
15th: Atheists are like Kale; everyone knows they're good for you, but pretending can only go so far.
16th: The same federal government that makes it mandatory to explain seatbelts to people will not enact any sort of gun control legislation. They don't trust us with seatbelts, but handguns -- that's a whole other thing.
17th: I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.
18th: They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: 'The salt was low.' 'Pick up bread. We be back.' Grease all over my stove -- they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
19th: Why'd the robber take a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
20th: How does a blonde spell "farm?" E-I-E-I-O!!
21st: Some rap and some country is just people with no schooling talking about exactly what happened to them that day. That's all it is. In country, it's like, 'I woke up, something bad happened, I got drunk.' You know, it's usually something like that. Rap's the same thing. They just brag more: 'I woke up. Y'all can't wake up like me. I wake up like 10 motherf**kers. That sh*t in my eyes is diamonds. I get up to pee -- it's liquid gold.'
22nd: A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let's get busy.”
She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.”
The husband replied, “Let the spirit f**k you. I just jacked off”
23rd: Why don't witches wear undies? To get a better grip on their brooms.
24th: There was a young lady from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back, opened her crack and @#!*% all over the ceiling.
25th: There was a young man from Calcutta, Who spent his life in the gutta. Till the tropical heat, Got the best of his meat, And turned his cream to butta.
26th: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? Gaelic breath.
27th: I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks... They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right -- give you wings? Yeah, if you drink oneof 'em. What they don't tell you: if you drink four of 'em, you're liable to be out on the hood of the car, naked.
28th: Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his @#!*% .''
29th: A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad @#!*% -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
30th: How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
2nd: Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
3rd: Haven't I seen that ironic t-shirt somewhere before?
4th: Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.
5th: It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down -- I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.
6th: Flip-flops were strolling the beach together. One turns to the other and says, "Let's have sex." The other says, "You're way too floppy to ever make love to." The first, feeling offended says, "Well at least I'm not sticking straight up in the air every step."
7th: One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.
So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.
The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!
8th: What did one flea say to the other flea? "Shall we walk or take a dog?"
9th: What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? Homeless.
10th: So Donald Trump and a Mexican walk along the border together, enough said. (courtesy of swagmaster)
11th: What do you call a fly in a blonde's brain? A space invader.
12th: What TV makes the 4th Matter? Plasma Vision ('cause plasma is the 4th state of matter)
13th: What's a recipe for trends?
- Water
- Dough(s)
14th: What's so bad about sleeping with my Daddy? You're the bottom b*tch.
15th: Atheists are like Kale; everyone knows they're good for you, but pretending can only go so far.
16th: The same federal government that makes it mandatory to explain seatbelts to people will not enact any sort of gun control legislation. They don't trust us with seatbelts, but handguns -- that's a whole other thing.
17th: I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.
18th: They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: 'The salt was low.' 'Pick up bread. We be back.' Grease all over my stove -- they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
19th: Why'd the robber take a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
20th: How does a blonde spell "farm?" E-I-E-I-O!!
21st: Some rap and some country is just people with no schooling talking about exactly what happened to them that day. That's all it is. In country, it's like, 'I woke up, something bad happened, I got drunk.' You know, it's usually something like that. Rap's the same thing. They just brag more: 'I woke up. Y'all can't wake up like me. I wake up like 10 motherf**kers. That sh*t in my eyes is diamonds. I get up to pee -- it's liquid gold.'
22nd: A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let's get busy.”
She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.”
The husband replied, “Let the spirit f**k you. I just jacked off”
23rd: Why don't witches wear undies? To get a better grip on their brooms.
24th: There was a young lady from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back, opened her crack and @#!*% all over the ceiling.
25th: There was a young man from Calcutta, Who spent his life in the gutta. Till the tropical heat, Got the best of his meat, And turned his cream to butta.
26th: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? Gaelic breath.
27th: I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks... They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right -- give you wings? Yeah, if you drink oneof 'em. What they don't tell you: if you drink four of 'em, you're liable to be out on the hood of the car, naked.
28th: Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his @#!*% .''
29th: A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad @#!*% -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
30th: How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
December: Good (and bad) pickup lines
1st: You'll do.
2nd: You remind me of my ex-girl friend
3rd: You look just like my mama. I love my mama.
4th: Is it safe to say I'll get lucky tonight?
5th: Wow! Are those real?
6th: If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
7th: I'm into all types of girls. If you've got a thing for feet, say the word, and I'll sweep you off them.
8th: You're hotter than my fart.
9th: For a fat girl, you don't sweat much.
10th: Do you want a raisin? No?? Well then, do you want a date?
11th: You remind me of the bad kind of Hot.
12th: What even is a love?
13th: You make me wish I weren't gay... Convert me.
14th: Hey, tie your shoes! I don't want you falling for anyone else!
15th: Do you like sleeping? Me too! We should do that together sometime.
16th: You MUST have a nice personality.
17th: What has 36 teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk? My zipper.
18th: What is a nice gril like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
19th: This may seem really corny, but you make me really horny.
20th: Come back to my place, and if you don't like it, I swear... I'll give a full refund.
21st: On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a 9. I'm the 1 you need.
22nd: Save water, shower with a friend!
23rd: Well, Tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.
24th: I bet I can kiss you without touching your lips.... oops! looks like I lost the bet.
25th: Sorry. Were you talking to me? No? Well, please start.
26th: If I asked you out on a date, would your answer be the same answer to this question?
27th: Did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?
28th: Here's $10. Drink until I am really good-looking, and then come talk to me.
29th: Excuse me, I seem to have lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
30th: Didn't I do your sister?
31st: Can I touch your belly button?... from the inside?
2nd: You remind me of my ex-girl friend
3rd: You look just like my mama. I love my mama.
4th: Is it safe to say I'll get lucky tonight?
5th: Wow! Are those real?
6th: If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
7th: I'm into all types of girls. If you've got a thing for feet, say the word, and I'll sweep you off them.
8th: You're hotter than my fart.
9th: For a fat girl, you don't sweat much.
10th: Do you want a raisin? No?? Well then, do you want a date?
11th: You remind me of the bad kind of Hot.
12th: What even is a love?
13th: You make me wish I weren't gay... Convert me.
14th: Hey, tie your shoes! I don't want you falling for anyone else!
15th: Do you like sleeping? Me too! We should do that together sometime.
16th: You MUST have a nice personality.
17th: What has 36 teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk? My zipper.
18th: What is a nice gril like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
19th: This may seem really corny, but you make me really horny.
20th: Come back to my place, and if you don't like it, I swear... I'll give a full refund.
21st: On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a 9. I'm the 1 you need.
22nd: Save water, shower with a friend!
23rd: Well, Tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.
24th: I bet I can kiss you without touching your lips.... oops! looks like I lost the bet.
25th: Sorry. Were you talking to me? No? Well, please start.
26th: If I asked you out on a date, would your answer be the same answer to this question?
27th: Did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?
28th: Here's $10. Drink until I am really good-looking, and then come talk to me.
29th: Excuse me, I seem to have lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
30th: Didn't I do your sister?
31st: Can I touch your belly button?... from the inside?