I like jokes, you like jokes... let's make a calendar
JOKE CALENDAR 2016
November Teenage Jokes
1st: I wonder if film directors wake up screaming, "CUT, CUT, CUT" when they have a nightmare.
2nd: I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back.
3rd: What do teenagers use as birth control? Their personalities.
4th: My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
5th: I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
6th: Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.
“A phone book?” asked her friend.
“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”
“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”
7th: This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"
Without hesitation her father quipped, "They’re going to give you a phone."
8th: Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"—at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.
On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."
From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup."
My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."
9th: I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’. Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to our driveway and jostle his car."
10th: When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
11th: I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.
“What about a fire?” I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
“Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire.”
11th:
13th: I stopped buying makeup when I wandered into a department store recently and noticed that the makeup sales ladies are starting to dress like research scientists. They're back there with slide rules and computerized skin charts. And you know they probably didn't finish high school, but they're wearing lab coats.
14th: A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches.
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all. In fact, he heard no sounds at all. Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."
15th: My brother went to NYU in 1979 -- and now he's a sophomore.
16th: My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors -- and three captains and two lieutenants. She's a very slutty young woman.
17th: Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
18th: "Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)—"A orphan."
19th: How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
20th: A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
21st: What is the difference between teenagers and parents?
The difference between the teenager and the parent is that the teenager still has the faults the parent outgrew.
22nd: The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
2nd: I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back.
3rd: What do teenagers use as birth control? Their personalities.
4th: My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
5th: I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
6th: Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.
“A phone book?” asked her friend.
“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”
“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”
7th: This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"
Without hesitation her father quipped, "They’re going to give you a phone."
8th: Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"—at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.
On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."
From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup."
My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."
9th: I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’. Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to our driveway and jostle his car."
10th: When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
11th: I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.
“What about a fire?” I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
“Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire.”
11th:
- Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
- Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
- Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
- Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
- Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
- Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
- Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
13th: I stopped buying makeup when I wandered into a department store recently and noticed that the makeup sales ladies are starting to dress like research scientists. They're back there with slide rules and computerized skin charts. And you know they probably didn't finish high school, but they're wearing lab coats.
14th: A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches.
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all. In fact, he heard no sounds at all. Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."
15th: My brother went to NYU in 1979 -- and now he's a sophomore.
16th: My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors -- and three captains and two lieutenants. She's a very slutty young woman.
17th: Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
18th: "Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)—"A orphan."
19th: How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
20th: A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
21st: What is the difference between teenagers and parents?
The difference between the teenager and the parent is that the teenager still has the faults the parent outgrew.
22nd: The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
October movie / movie quotes, but with the name "Johnson" in them
1st: I'm gonna Johnson him an offer he can't refuse
2nd: Toto, I've a feeling we're Johnson in Kansas anymore
3rd: Straight Johnson Compton
4th: Here's Johnson!
5th: Johnson, My dear Watson
6th: Say "Johnson" to my little friend
7th: If you build it, Johnson will come
8th: I see Johnson People
9th: 2001: A Space Johnson
10th: It's alive! It's Johnson!
11th: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Johnson Man!
12th: There's Johnson where that came from.
13th: Star Trek: Into Jonhson
14th: 12 years a Johnson
15th: I have a very Johnson set of skills
16th: Camp Johnson
17th: It's Johnson, Charlie Brown!
18th: A Madea Johnson
19th: Toto, I've a Johson we're not in Kansas anymore!
20th: Light my Johnson!
21st: The games Johnson!
22nd: Show Johnson the money!
23rd: There's no crying in Johnson!
24th: La-dee-da, La-Johnson-da
25th: Johnson Jam
26th: I'll get you my pretty, and your little Johnson too!
27th: I'm the Johnson of the world!
28th: Hasta la Johnson, Baby!
29th: Soylent Green is Johnson
30th: Johnson! Toga!
31st: 12 years a Johnson
2nd: Toto, I've a feeling we're Johnson in Kansas anymore
3rd: Straight Johnson Compton
4th: Here's Johnson!
5th: Johnson, My dear Watson
6th: Say "Johnson" to my little friend
7th: If you build it, Johnson will come
8th: I see Johnson People
9th: 2001: A Space Johnson
10th: It's alive! It's Johnson!
11th: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Johnson Man!
12th: There's Johnson where that came from.
13th: Star Trek: Into Jonhson
14th: 12 years a Johnson
15th: I have a very Johnson set of skills
16th: Camp Johnson
17th: It's Johnson, Charlie Brown!
18th: A Madea Johnson
19th: Toto, I've a Johson we're not in Kansas anymore!
20th: Light my Johnson!
21st: The games Johnson!
22nd: Show Johnson the money!
23rd: There's no crying in Johnson!
24th: La-dee-da, La-Johnson-da
25th: Johnson Jam
26th: I'll get you my pretty, and your little Johnson too!
27th: I'm the Johnson of the world!
28th: Hasta la Johnson, Baby!
29th: Soylent Green is Johnson
30th: Johnson! Toga!
31st: 12 years a Johnson
September Old Age Jokes
1st: The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. “How old are you?” a tenant asked. “I’m 81 years old,” he answered. The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
2nd: “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
3rd: After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
4th: While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
5th: “What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
6th: In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
7th: A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
8th: Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
9th: She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
10th: Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
11th: We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
12th: The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
13th: When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.
14th: "Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
15th: The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."
16th: At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
17th: An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
18th: I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
19th: I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
20th: In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
21st: My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn’t seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
22nd: Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"
23rd: My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
24th: Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to be.
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
25th: For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
26th: I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."
27th: I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
28th: My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn’t. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs."
29th: "How was your blind date?"
"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What’s so terrible about that?"
"He was the original owner."
30th: The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."
2nd: “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
3rd: After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
4th: While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
5th: “What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
6th: In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
7th: A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
8th: Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
9th: She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
10th: Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
11th: We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
12th: The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
13th: When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.
14th: "Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
15th: The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."
16th: At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
17th: An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
18th: I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
19th: I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
20th: In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
21st: My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn’t seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
22nd: Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"
23rd: My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
24th: Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to be.
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
25th: For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
26th: I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."
27th: I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
28th: My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn’t. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs."
29th: "How was your blind date?"
"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What’s so terrible about that?"
"He was the original owner."
30th: The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."
August one-Liners
1st: The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
2nd: All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
3rd: I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
4th: I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
5th: My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
6th: A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
7th: The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar.
8th: Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
9th: Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people.
10th: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
11th: No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
12th: We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.
13th: Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
14th: This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
15th: The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
16th: It's not that everyone makes mistakes, it's that God made 7 billion mistakes.
17th: Finding happiness is like finding a generous person in a group of Congressmen.
18th: Why is "Baby" the go-to word in Love Songs? Does that mean Pop artists are molesters?
19th: If you really think about it, you could fit 365 9/11's in a single year; now it seems lucky that we only had one.
20th: Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
21st: Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
22nd: I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
23rd: Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
24th: Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
25th: We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
26th: Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
27th: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
28th: I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
29th: You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
30th: To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
31st: We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
2nd: All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
3rd: I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
4th: I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
5th: My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
6th: A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
7th: The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar.
8th: Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
9th: Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people.
10th: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
11th: No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
12th: We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.
13th: Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
14th: This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
15th: The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
16th: It's not that everyone makes mistakes, it's that God made 7 billion mistakes.
17th: Finding happiness is like finding a generous person in a group of Congressmen.
18th: Why is "Baby" the go-to word in Love Songs? Does that mean Pop artists are molesters?
19th: If you really think about it, you could fit 365 9/11's in a single year; now it seems lucky that we only had one.
20th: Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
21st: Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
22nd: I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
23rd: Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
24th: Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
25th: We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
26th: Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
27th: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
28th: I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
29th: You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
30th: To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
31st: We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
July (add "at an Orgy" to the end of these TV shows)
1st: 2 Broke Girls
2nd: 60 Minutes
3rd: The Amazing Race
4th: Survivor
5th: Fox News
6th: America's funniest home videos
7th: American Dad
8th: The Big Bang Theory
9th: Fairly Odd Parents
10th: South Park
11th: Friends
12th: Brooklyn 99
13th: Hawaii 5-O
14th: Seinfeld
15th: Blind Spot
16th: How I met your Mother
17th: Blue Bloods
18th: Vampire Diaries
19th: Bob's Burgers
20th: Star Trek
21st: Bones
22nd: The Slap
23rd: The Voice
24th: Caught on Camera with Nick Cannon
25th: Adam Ruins Everything
26th: Chicago Fire
27th: Code Black
28th: Dancing With the Stars
29th: Saturday Night Live
30th: The Daily Show
31st: The Walking Dead
2nd: 60 Minutes
3rd: The Amazing Race
4th: Survivor
5th: Fox News
6th: America's funniest home videos
7th: American Dad
8th: The Big Bang Theory
9th: Fairly Odd Parents
10th: South Park
11th: Friends
12th: Brooklyn 99
13th: Hawaii 5-O
14th: Seinfeld
15th: Blind Spot
16th: How I met your Mother
17th: Blue Bloods
18th: Vampire Diaries
19th: Bob's Burgers
20th: Star Trek
21st: Bones
22nd: The Slap
23rd: The Voice
24th: Caught on Camera with Nick Cannon
25th: Adam Ruins Everything
26th: Chicago Fire
27th: Code Black
28th: Dancing With the Stars
29th: Saturday Night Live
30th: The Daily Show
31st: The Walking Dead
JUNE Random Jokes
1st: The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
2nd: When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
3rd: Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
4th: The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
5th: A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
6th: After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
7th: We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
8th: Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
9th: My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
10th: One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
11th: “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom
12th: My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
13th: I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
14th: The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
15th: After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
16th: Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
17th: As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
18th: “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
19th: My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
20th: Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”
21st: I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
22nd: When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
23rd: My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”
24th: If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
25th: Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
26th: Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
27th: While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
28th: Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
29th: A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
30th: Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
2nd: When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
3rd: Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
4th: The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
5th: A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
6th: After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
7th: We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
8th: Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
9th: My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
10th: One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
11th: “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom
12th: My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
13th: I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
14th: The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
15th: After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
16th: Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
17th: As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
18th: “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
19th: My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
20th: Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”
21st: I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
22nd: When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
23rd: My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”
24th: If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
25th: Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
26th: Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
27th: While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
28th: Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
29th: A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
30th: Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
May one short joke
WNBA
April random jokes
1st: It was so cold today, a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets!
2nd: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move? Nah, mastay.
3rd: A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.
4th: What do you get when you combine a sex addict with a lesbian? Bill and Hillary.
5th: A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?""That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
6th: Why are Hillary Clinton and Televisions similar? They both used to be homophobic.
7th:A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
8th: What we learn from the movies:
-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
9th: You ever notice when you shoot someone with a gun, they do two things that are really annoying? It's true. They tell you that you shot them, over and over again -- I hate that -- and then they tell you where you shot them, over and over again. They're like, 'You shot my shoulder! I can't believe you shot my shoulder! My shoulder's been hit!' And I'm like, 'That's where I was aiming.'
10th: Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
11th: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? To draw blood.
12th: Sh*tty Doctors:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
13th: A friend said to me, 'Hey you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair, bro.' It's when someone calls you weak, but they associate it with a lack of testicles. Which is weird because testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you suddenly just grew a pair, you'd be a lot more vulnerable. If you want to be tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough, you should grow a vagina -- those things can take a pounding.
14th: I'm trying to be a better person. This year my goal is to blackout less; it's a very difficult goal to track. I think I'm succeeding, but I might just not remember failing.
15th: I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked!
16th: I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me not to go into those two places.
17th: What's the definition of the word Indecent? When it's in long & it's in hard & it's in deep, it's in decent!
18th: I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
19th: An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.''
"That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.
20th: A man phones his wife's doctor and says, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
21st: The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
22nd: A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
23rd: When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
24th: I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, "Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately."
25th: While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
26th: “What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
27th: We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and he'd be like, 'Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and that's why you shouldn't do drugs.' And I'd be like, 'Well, uh, you didn't die, and you got to do all those drugs!'
28th: I went to correspondence school. That really sucked -- no school spirit, our school color was manila.
29th: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law.
30th: Rejected Science Fair Projects:
2nd: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move? Nah, mastay.
3rd: A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.
4th: What do you get when you combine a sex addict with a lesbian? Bill and Hillary.
5th: A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?""That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
6th: Why are Hillary Clinton and Televisions similar? They both used to be homophobic.
7th:A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
8th: What we learn from the movies:
-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
9th: You ever notice when you shoot someone with a gun, they do two things that are really annoying? It's true. They tell you that you shot them, over and over again -- I hate that -- and then they tell you where you shot them, over and over again. They're like, 'You shot my shoulder! I can't believe you shot my shoulder! My shoulder's been hit!' And I'm like, 'That's where I was aiming.'
10th: Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
11th: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? To draw blood.
12th: Sh*tty Doctors:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
13th: A friend said to me, 'Hey you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair, bro.' It's when someone calls you weak, but they associate it with a lack of testicles. Which is weird because testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you suddenly just grew a pair, you'd be a lot more vulnerable. If you want to be tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough, you should grow a vagina -- those things can take a pounding.
14th: I'm trying to be a better person. This year my goal is to blackout less; it's a very difficult goal to track. I think I'm succeeding, but I might just not remember failing.
15th: I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked!
16th: I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me not to go into those two places.
17th: What's the definition of the word Indecent? When it's in long & it's in hard & it's in deep, it's in decent!
18th: I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
19th: An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.''
"That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.
20th: A man phones his wife's doctor and says, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
21st: The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
22nd: A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
23rd: When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
24th: I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, "Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately."
25th: While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
26th: “What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
27th: We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and he'd be like, 'Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and that's why you shouldn't do drugs.' And I'd be like, 'Well, uh, you didn't die, and you got to do all those drugs!'
28th: I went to correspondence school. That really sucked -- no school spirit, our school color was manila.
29th: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law.
30th: Rejected Science Fair Projects:
- just HOW poisonous are poisonous snakes?
- Which household products are most flammable?
- Which hurts more: falling off the slide or being pushed off the slide?
- Which tools are sharper: kitchen or garage?
- can sharks hunt a human?
- What happens if I stick my hand in this?
- HOW many ways can you break an arm over summer vacation?
- HOW many goldfish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- can dogs fly?
March Political jokes
1st: A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved
matter,” in Klingon.
2nd: The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
3rd: The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.”
4th: What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
5th: Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
6th: NSA Pickup line: “Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
7th: I've never seen a one-hand economist... "on one hand.... on the other hand..."
8th: Trump hasn't cut his hair in 14 years. Consequently, he's been paralyzed from the forehead down after a terrible accident with mind-controlling parasites in 2001.
9th: A man walks up to the White House and shouts to the guard, "I'd like to speak to Bill Clinton, the President."The guard replies, "Bill Clinton is no longer the President of the United States. George Bush is the President."
After this happens three days in a row, the guard yells in disgust, "I told you Bill Clinton is no longer the President. George Bush is the President of the United States.
The guy says, "I know. I just like hearing it!"
10th: I read a sign in Washington D.C. that said, "The Great Debates Program, 'Is American Politics Broken?' will be relocated due to Government Shutdown."
11th: Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
12th: If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
13th: Why did President Obama get two terms? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
14th: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
15th: When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."
16th: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
17th: Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
18th: We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
19th: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.
20th: Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
21st: Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.
22nd: A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
23rd: Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
24th: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail? One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.
25th: The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!
26th: Politicians these days are trying to really outdo each other in impossible ways. Just the other day Ted Cruz said, "Five major agencies that we would eliminate: The IRS, the Department of Commerce, the Department of Energy, the Department of Commerce, and HUD.”
27th: What is Rodney King's least favorite band? The Police.
28th: Why are 9/11 and that job you hate similar? Fixing them are both put off 'til next year (#passthezadrogaact)
29th: What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
30th: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has said that he may run for President, but analysts predict it is much more likely that he will walk.
31st: What did Osama Bin Laden's ghost say to Mitt Romney? "Don't be sad, Obama's foreign policy killed me too"
2nd: The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
3rd: The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.”
4th: What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
5th: Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
6th: NSA Pickup line: “Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
7th: I've never seen a one-hand economist... "on one hand.... on the other hand..."
8th: Trump hasn't cut his hair in 14 years. Consequently, he's been paralyzed from the forehead down after a terrible accident with mind-controlling parasites in 2001.
9th: A man walks up to the White House and shouts to the guard, "I'd like to speak to Bill Clinton, the President."The guard replies, "Bill Clinton is no longer the President of the United States. George Bush is the President."
After this happens three days in a row, the guard yells in disgust, "I told you Bill Clinton is no longer the President. George Bush is the President of the United States.
The guy says, "I know. I just like hearing it!"
10th: I read a sign in Washington D.C. that said, "The Great Debates Program, 'Is American Politics Broken?' will be relocated due to Government Shutdown."
11th: Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
12th: If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
13th: Why did President Obama get two terms? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
14th: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
15th: When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."
16th: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
17th: Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
18th: We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
19th: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.
20th: Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
21st: Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.
22nd: A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
23rd: Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
24th: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail? One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.
25th: The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!
26th: Politicians these days are trying to really outdo each other in impossible ways. Just the other day Ted Cruz said, "Five major agencies that we would eliminate: The IRS, the Department of Commerce, the Department of Energy, the Department of Commerce, and HUD.”
27th: What is Rodney King's least favorite band? The Police.
28th: Why are 9/11 and that job you hate similar? Fixing them are both put off 'til next year (#passthezadrogaact)
29th: What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
30th: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has said that he may run for President, but analysts predict it is much more likely that he will walk.
31st: What did Osama Bin Laden's ghost say to Mitt Romney? "Don't be sad, Obama's foreign policy killed me too"
February cheesy Jokes
1st: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow Balls.
2nd: Where do people keep their armies? In their sleevies.
3rd: Which president is least guilty? Lincoln, he is in a cent.
4th: Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look stupid with glove compartments.
5th: What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
6th: Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
7th: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
8th: How does a squid go into battle? Well Armed
9th: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
10th: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner? He went back four seconds.
11th: A farmer had a field full of 196 cows, but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
12th: What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
13th: My Brain's self confidence is low. I think my brain is the worst.
14th: The fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
15th: There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
16th: Dyslexic Ginger's soul was sold to Santa.
17th: If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
18th: You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
19th: A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
20th: So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
21st: Instead of "I pledge allegiance", it's actually "2 Minutes of Inconvenience."
22nd: How does NASA organize their company parties? They Planet.
23rd: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
24th: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
25th: Where are the dam(n)s? They're getting in trouble for slowing up my stream.
26th: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner? Go back 4 seconds.
27th: What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
28th: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? A remorse code.
29th: What did one penny say to the other? We make perfect cents.
January two long jokes
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave? Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course. Lots! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No! Why are you asking me? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every time I get the chance! Girl: Will you ever hit me? Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling? Now Read it Backwards. |
A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bad asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the @#!*% , when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley wearing cloth, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and were very late for work, so i decided to wear my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside the refrigerator"
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